/\
/ \
/ 0 0\
V\Y /V
/ \
/| |\
/ | | \
| | | |
\_| |_/
| |
================================================
OFFICIAL REPORT
FROM THE DESK OF LOUIS
(pronounced Louie, thank
you very much)
================================================
Cattle Dog / Great Pyrenees
Age: Almost 2 (basically ancient)
Weight: ~55 lbs (compact athlete)
Build: Athletic. Not a fluffball.
Status: WATCHFUL
Owner: Matt (The Tall One)
Current Guardian: Alex Borbely
(The New One)
Classification: TOP SECRET
(but I will stare it into you)
~* SELF-PORTRAIT *~
|\ /|
| \_/ |
/| o o |\
/ | (_) | \
| \_-_/ |
\ | | /
\_| |_/
/ | | \
/ | | \
| COMPACT & |
| ATHLETIC |
\_| | |_/
| | |
_| | |_
(_) | (_)
|
(_)
(artist interpretation. I am
sleeker in person.)
Date: April 2, 2026
Location: Undisclosed (but near
the treat cabinet)
================================================
*** THE SITUATION ***
I will keep this brief because I
am a professional.
The Tall One left.
This happens sometimes. He
packs a bag and goes. He always
comes back. I know this because
I am wise and also because he
always comes back.
But THIS time. He brought a
NEW HUMAN first.
A new human. FOR ME.
================================
TIMELINE OF THE HANDOFF
================================
15:00 - The Tall One gets the
bag. I note this calmly.
15:05 - I follow him room to
room. Not anxious. Just
keeping track. This is
my job.
15:10 - Doorbell. I go to the
door. Sit. Stare at it.
One soft boof. Just one.
I am not dramatic.
15:11 - The New One enters. He
is tall but not as tall.
He smells like outside
and confidence. NEW
PERSON. I do a small
dance. Tail at full
helicopter. This is the
best day of my life.
15:12 - He reaches for me. YES.
I lean into his hand.
We are friends now.
This was decided by me
just now.
15:15 - The Tall One explains
things. Food. Water.
Walks. I stare at Alex
the whole time. I will
explain my own schedule
thank you very much.
15:30 - The Tall One walks to
the door. I follow. He
leaves. That is fine.
I have a NEW person now.
15:31 - I turn around. Alex is
still here. I go sit
next to him. Close. Not
on him. Next to him.
This is how I say hello.
15:32 - He offers a treat. I
accept. This is the
beginning of something
beautiful.
================================================
================================================
PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Employee: Alex Borbely
Position: Temporary Human
Reviewer: Louis (Head of
Everything)
Review Period: The Sitting
================================================
BELLY RUB TECHNIQUE
--------------------------------
Pressure: 7/10
Coverage area: 8/10
Duration: 6/10 (stopped
too soon)
Ear involvement: 9/10 (!!)
Overall: 7.5/10
Notes: Shows natural talent.
Found the spot behind my left
ear on only the second try.
Most humans need weeks. I am
impressed. Not cuddly but I
will stand next to him and
allow this.
TREAT DISTRIBUTION
--------------------------------
Frequency: 5/10 (lacking)
Quality: 8/10
Delivery method: 9/10 (gentle
open palm)
Response to 4/10 (unmoved)
The Stare:
Notes: At 14:00 I sat in front
of him and STARED for two full
minutes. He said "nice try
buddy." BUDDY? I have a NAME.
It is LOUIS. And also I wanted
that cheese.
WALK ENTHUSIASM
--------------------------------
Speed: 8/10
Route variety: 7/10
Sniff patience: 9/10 (!!!)
Poop bag prep: 10/10
Leash tension: 6/10 (too much
pulling back)
Notes: Exceptional sniff
patience. Let me investigate a
fire hydrant for a full 90
seconds without complaint. The
Tall One gives me maybe 30.
This is the New One's greatest
strength and I will not forget.
DOOR-OPENING RESPONSE TIME
--------------------------------
I need to go outside:
Signal: I sit by door 3sec
Signal: I stare harder 2sec
Signal: I sigh loudly 1sec
Signal: I nudge his hand 0sec
Rating: 7/10
Notes: Acceptable but could
improve. Ideally I think about
going outside and the door
simply opens.
COUCH SHARING PROTOCOL
--------------------------------
Willingness to share: 9/10
Willingness to move
when I need more room: 8/10
Blanket redistribution: 7/10
Proximity tolerance: 9/10
Notes: I sat next to him and
he did not scoot away. He let
me lean against his side. This
is correct behavior. He also
understands I sit NEXT to him.
Not on him. I am not a lapdog.
I am a 55 lb professional.
COMMUNICATION COMPREHENSION
--------------------------------
Understands The
Stare: 6/10
Reads my sighs: 5/10
Notices strategic
positioning: 7/10
Responds to nose
nudges: 9/10 (!!!)
Notes: When I sat in front of
the treat cabinet and stared
at him he said "what do you
want buddy" SEVEN times. I
was sitting IN FRONT of the
TREAT CABINET. The answer is
RIGHT BEHIND ME. But when I
nudged his hand toward the
cabinet he got it. Trainable.
================================
OVERALL RATING: 7.8 / 10
STATUS: PROVISIONALLY APPROVED
================================
Final note: The New One has
passed probation. He may pet me
without submitting a formal
request. This privilege can be
revoked at any time.
================================================
================================================
A DAY IN MY LIFE
(annotated for the new human)
================================================
05:45 Wake up. Important.
05:46 Stretch. Both stretches.
Front stretch. Back
stretch. In that order.
05:50 Walk to Alex's door.
Listen. Is he alive?
05:51 He is breathing. Good.
I will let him know I
am also breathing.
05:52 Place nose on door crack.
Exhale loudly.
05:53 Nothing. NOTHING.
05:54 Sigh.
05:55 Sigh louder.
05:56 Lie down outside door
with maximum weight so
he hears the THUMP.
06:00 He opens the door! ACT
NATURAL. Wag cautiously.
One wag. Two wags. Now
full helicopter tail.
06:05 BREAKFAST. Eat three
bites. Walk away.
06:06 Lie in sunbeam.
06:30 Come back for two more
bites. Walk away again.
07:15 Finish breakfast. Maybe.
There are still some
kibbles in there. I will
get to them later.
07:16 Alex looks at my bowl.
He does not understand
the system. The system
is GRAZING.
06:30 MORNING WALK. Sniff
everything. EVERYTHING.
The fire hydrant is a
newspaper. The tree is
a novel. That patch of
grass is a whole library.
07:00 Return home. Patrol the
perimeter. Check windows.
Check doors. Check the
spot where I saw a bug
three weeks ago.
08:00 First nap. Location:
sunbeam on kitchen floor.
08:01 Adjust position.
08:02 Adjust again.
08:03 Perfect. Do not move me.
10:00 Second nap. Location:
couch. Alex is working.
I supervise by sleeping.
11:30 Hear a sound. ALERT.
Walk to source. Stare.
11:31 Sound was the fridge.
Stare at fridge for 30
seconds. It knows.
11:32 Return to post. Sigh.
12:00 LUNCH. Alex eats. I
watch. I am not begging.
I am simply... present.
12:05 He dropped something.
12:06 I got it. You are
welcome, Alex.
13:00 Afternoon patrol. Walk
through every room. Sniff
every corner. Update my
mental map.
14:00 Deploy The Stare for
treat. (See: Performance
Review, treat section.)
14:01 Denied. Unbelievable.
15:00 Third nap. Location:
directly on Alex's feet.
This is strategic. If he
moves, I will know.
16:00 DOG PARK. The best part
of every day. I have so
many friends there. The
golden. The husky. The
small angry one who does
not like me yet. (He
will. They all do.)
17:00 EVENING WALK. New smells
New dogs on the street.
I greet all of them.
I am a social butterfly
in a 55 lb dog body.
18:00 DINNER. Eat a few bites.
Wander to living room.
18:20 Come back. Few more.
18:45 Alex: "are you done?"
No. I am never done. I
am between courses.
19:00 Evening couch time. Sit
next to Alex. Lean into
his side. He watches TV.
I watch him watch TV.
We are bonding.
21:00 Final patrol. Check all
doors. Check all windows.
Stare at nothing outside.
The nothing knows what
it did.
22:00 Bedtime. Circle three
times. Lie down. Circle
two more times. NOW lie
down. Sigh the biggest
sigh of the day. This
one means "I did good."
02:00 Wake up. Hear noise.
Investigate.
02:01 It was the fridge again.
02:02 Stare at fridge. Hard.
02:03 Fridge stops. I win.
02:04 Back to bed. Circle
three times. Hero.
================================================
================================================
TERRITORY REPORT
Security Level: SILENT WATCH
================================================
PERIMETER STATUS: SECURE*
(*pending investigation of
suspicious leaf in yard)
PATROLS COMPLETED TODAY: 14
PATROLS DEEMED NECESSARY: 14
COINCIDENCE: I THINK NOT
================================
THREAT ASSESSMENT LOG
================================
SQUIRRELS
--------
Count: 3 confirmed
2 suspected
1 possibly a leaf
Threat: EXTREME
Status: UNCONTAINED
Notes: They know what they
did. They sit on the
fence and LOOK at me.
With their EYES.
This aggression will
not stand.
MAILMAN
--------
Appearances: 1 (daily)
Threat: CATASTROPHIC
Barks deployed: 0
Stares deployed: 23
Result: HE LEFT.
Conclusion: The stare works.
Every single time
he leaves. Silence
is my superpower.
THE CAT NEXT DOOR
--------
Sightings: 2
Threat: MODERATE
Notes: It sits in the
window and does
not blink. I do
not trust anything
that does not
blink.
VACUUM CLEANER
--------
Location: Closet (contained)
Threat: SEVERE
Notes: I know it is in
there. It knows I
know. We have an
understanding. If
it stays in the
closet, nobody
gets hurt.
SOUNDS INVESTIGATED
================================
- Fridge humming: 4 times
- Wind against window: 7 times
- Alex's phone buzz: 12 times
- Own tail hitting floor: 3
- Absolutely nothing: 6 times
- THE FRIDGE AT 2 AM: 1 time
(HANDLED. see daily log.)
ITEMS GUARDED SUCCESSFULLY
================================
[x] The house
[x] The yard
[x] Alex (whether he wants
it or not)
[x] My food bowl
[x] My backup food bowl
[x] A sock I found (MINE NOW)
[x] The couch (ALL of it)
CONCLUSION: Territory remains
under my complete control. The
New One has been granted guest
access. He may use the kitchen
and one (1) chair.
================================================
================================================
THINGS I HAVE HERDED TODAY
(I cannot help it. It is in
my blood.)
================================================
1. Alex's feet
Result: Successfully moved
him from kitchen to living
room. He thinks he chose to
walk there. He did not.
2. A sock
Result: Herded from bedroom
to hallway. It tried to
escape under the couch. I
was faster.
3. A leaf that blew in through
the door
Result: Cornered it against
the wall. Nosed it. It did
not resist. Easy target.
4. My own shadow
Result: Inconclusive. It
keeps matching my movements
which is VERY suspicious.
Investigation ongoing.
5. A beam of sunlight
Result: It moved across the
floor all day. I followed
it. I believe I was herding
it. It may believe it was
leading me. We disagree.
6. Alex (the whole human)
Result: I position myself
in doorways so he has to
step over me. This controls
his movement. He says
"excuse me buddy" each
time. I do not excuse him.
I am working.
7. Three dust bunnies
Result: Herded into a
single pile under the
table. Nobody asked me to
do this. Nobody thanked me
either. Typical.
8. My own tail
Result: CAUGHT IT. Lost it.
Caught it again. Released
it on purpose because I am
mature now.
TOTAL ITEMS HERDED: 8
ITEMS THAT NEEDED HERDING: 0
ITEMS I HERDED ANYWAY: 8
SUCCESS RATE: 100 percent
I am very good at my job.
================================================
================================================
EXISTENTIAL MUSINGS
from a quiet dog who
thinks too much
================================================
Where does the ball go when it
rolls behind the couch?
I have seen it go. I have seen
it come back. But what happens
in the between? Is there a
world behind the couch where
balls live? Are they happy
there? Did my ball make friends
with the dust and the pennies?
I need to know. But I cannot
fit behind the couch. This is
my burden.
--------------------------------
If I am a good boy but nobody
is here to tell me, am I still
good?
The Tall One says it. "Good
boy, Louis." And I know it is
true because he said it. But
when he is gone, the words
stop. Does the goodness stop?
No. I have decided no. I am
good even in the silence. I am
good when nobody is looking.
This is the hardest kind of
good and I do it every day.
--------------------------------
The Tall One's smell is fading
from the couch.
I noticed it on day two. The
spot where he sits is becoming
the spot where he sat. The
present tense is leaving. I
am not worried. I am a
guardian. Guardians do not
worry.
I am simply... monitoring.
I pressed my nose into the
cushion and breathed in deep
and there he was, faint but
there. Like a song you almost
remember. Like the last treat
in the bag. Still there. Just
quieter.
He will come back. The bag
always comes back. The Tall
One always comes back.
(But I will sleep on his side
of the couch tonight. To keep
the smell alive. Not because
I miss him. Because it is
strategic.)
--------------------------------
Every dog is born knowing two
things:
1. Protect the pack.
2. The pack is everything.
The Tall One is my pack.
But now the New One feeds me
and walks me and when I sit
beside him on the couch and
lean against his arm he does
not move away.
Is the pack getting bigger?
I think the pack is getting
bigger.
--------------------------------
Why do humans leave and come
back? Why not just stay? I
have never once left. I am
always here. This seems
obviously superior.
================================================
================================================
OFFICIAL COMPLAINTS
Filed by: Louis
Against: Alex Borbely
CC: The Tall One (Matt)
================================================
COMPLAINT #001
Re: Water bowl placement
--------------------------------
The New One put the water bowl
four (4) inches to the LEFT
of where it belongs. I stood
next to it and stared at him
for two minutes. He did not
understand. He said "what?"
eleven times. I counted. FOUR
INCHES, ALEX. This matters.
Status: UNRESOLVED
COMPLAINT #002
Re: Name pronunciation
--------------------------------
He pronounces my name correctly
on the first try. "Louie."
Just like that. No hesitation.
Most humans say "Lewis" first.
How does he know? Who told
him? What else does he know?
This is suspicious competence
and I am keeping an eye on it.
Status: UNDER INVESTIGATION
COMPLAINT #003
Re: Blanket redistribution
--------------------------------
At 21:47 the New One adjusted
the blanket on the couch and
the corner that was over my
back left paw moved 2 inches.
TWO INCHES. I had JUST gotten
comfortable. Do you know how
long it takes a dog my size
to get comfortable? Three
circles and a sigh. Minimum.
Status: GRUDGINGLY RESOLVED
(he fixed it after I sighed)
COMPLAINT #004
Re: The phrase "that's enough
treats for now"
--------------------------------
I do not understand this
phrase. I have consulted my
extensive vocabulary (sit,
stay, walk, treat, good boy,
dinner, outside, no, and the
cheese drawer sound) and this
phrase does not appear. It is
made up. I reject it.
Status: ESCALATED TO MANAGEMENT
COMPLAINT #005
Re: Failure to read The Stare
--------------------------------
At 19:30 I positioned myself
between Alex and the back
door. I stared at him. Then
at the door. Then at him.
Then at the door. He said
"what?" I sighed. He said
"do you need something?" I
stared at the door HARDER.
It took him four minutes to
understand I wanted outside.
Four. Minutes. I was SO
clear.
Status: RESOLVED BUT NOTED
================================================
================================================
HIDDEN MESSAGES
(for those who look closely)
================================================
======= MORSE CODE =======
--. --- --- -.. / -... --- -.--
(Translation: GOOD BOY)
(I wrote it about myself.)
(Someone has to.)
======= BINARY =======
01010100 01010010
01000101 01000001
01010100 01010011
(Translation: TREATS)
======= FIRST LETTER CODE =====
Read the first letter of each
line below:
Alex is doing a good job
Lots of walks which I enjoy
Even the belly rubs are great
Xtra treats would be better
Is it so hard to figure out
Surely you see the message
Great work Alex
Relax and enjoy it
Even I approve (mostly)
And that is saying something
Time for you to give me a
~~ TREAT ~~
======= PAW PRINT CODE =======
__
/ \ Every paw print
| .. | is a letter I
| \/ | cannot write.
\__/ But I leave them
|| everywhere so you
know I was here.
The front door mat.
The kitchen floor.
The couch cushion.
Right next to your feet.
All of them say the same
thing: I WAS HERE. I AM HERE.
FEED ME.
================================================
================================================
I N V O I C E
From: Louis, LLC
(Large Lovable Canine)
To: Alex Borbely
Re: Services Rendered During
The Sitting
================================================
ITEM COST
--------------------------------
Security Patrol
(14x daily @ 3 treats/ea)
42 treats
Emotional Support
(sitting beside you, 3 hrs)
15 treats
Silent Alert System
(strategic staring,
23 stares at mailman,
12 stares at nothing)
82 treats
Floor Inspection
(sniffing, thorough)
8 treats
Quality Control
(taste-testing dropped
food items)
5 treats
Companionship Fee
(being adorable, 24/7)
50 treats
Herding Services
(8 items, unsolicited)
16 treats
Fridge Surveillance
(2 AM incident)
10 treats
Couch Warming
(keeping your spot warm
while you were in the
kitchen)
7 treats
Emotional Damage
(you said "no more treats")
25 treats
================================
SUBTOTAL: 260 treats
TAX (good boy rate): 0 treats
TIP (suggested): 40 treats
================================
TOTAL DUE: 300 treats
================================
Payment terms: IMMEDIATELY.
Sincerely, I mean right now.
I can see the treat bag from
here. It is on the counter.
Second shelf. Behind the
coffee. Yes that one.
Sincerely,
Louis, Head of Treats
================================================
================================================
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
AND TERMS OF SERVICE
================================================
By entering this house, the
party hereafter known as
"The New One" (Alex Borbely)
agrees to the following terms
and conditions as set forth
by the party hereafter known
as "The Good Boy" (Louis):
1. All food dropped on the
floor becomes the property
of The Good Boy. No
exceptions. The 5-second
rule does not apply. The
0-second rule applies.
2. The couch belongs to The
Good Boy. The New One is
permitted to sit on the
couch as a GUEST. Guests
do not rearrange pillows.
3. All walks must include a
minimum of twelve (12)
stops for sniffing. This
is non-negotiable. Sniffing
is research.
4. The Good Boy reserves the
right to stare at anything,
at any time, for any reason
or no reason at all. This
is protected expression.
5. Belly rubs, once initiated,
may not be terminated by
The New One. Only The Good
Boy determines when belly
rub time is over. (It is
never over.)
6. The phrase "no" shall be
interpreted as "not right
now but maybe if I stare
long enough."
7. The Tall One will return.
This is a fact and not a
hope. When he returns, The
New One's access privileges
will be reviewed but not
necessarily revoked. See
addendum: "the pack is
getting bigger."
SIGNED:
__
/ \
| .. |
| \/ |
\__/
(official paw print of Louis)
WITNESSED BY:
The fridge (it was humming
at the time, so I count it)
DATE: April 2, 2026
================================================
================================================
A FINAL WORD
================================================
Dear Alex,
You are not the Tall One.
I want to be clear about that
because I am a dog who values
clarity and also because the
Tall One is taller.
You are not the Tall One. But.
You brought treats and you did
not move my bed and when I
followed you to every room
you never told me to stop.
These are the things that
matter.
You learned my name and said
it right. You waited while I
sniffed. You let me sit next
to you on the couch. You fixed
the blanket when I sighed.
You did not try to be the Tall
One. You were just Alex. And
Alex was enough.
I am a guardian breed. I was
born to protect things. I
protect the house and the yard
and the couch and my food bowl
and sometimes a sock.
But mostly I protect my people.
And for a little while, you
were my people.
I have decided you may return.
================================
|\ /|
| \_/ |
/| @_@ |\
/ | ~~~ | \
| |LOUIS| |
\_| |_/
/| _ |\
/ | / \ | \
|/ \|
Yours in silence,
Louis
Cattle Dog / Great Pyrenees
Head of Security
Chief Herding Officer
Professional Good Boy
P.S. I know where the treats
are. I have always known. I
was just being polite.
P.P.S. The fridge is acting
suspicious again. I will
handle it.
P.P.P.S. Come back soon.
~*~*~*~ END OF ~*~*~*~
~*~ OFFICIAL REPORT ~*~
~*~*~ from LOUIS ~*~*~*
================================================
This receipt is approximately
three feet long. Louis does
not understand feet as a unit
of measurement. He only
understands paws. This receipt
is approximately forty-seven
paws long. That feels right.
================================================